Beyond the Silence: My Miscarriage, Recovery, and Essential Insights

Let's talk about something that's usually whispered about, if it's talked about at all – miscarriage. I recently went through the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with a miscarriage at just 5 weeks. You know, that exciting moment when you see a positive pregnancy test, and then, suddenly, you find yourself facing something no one really prepares you for.

So, why am I putting my story out there? Well, partly for me, as a way to heal, but mostly because I think it's time we shine a light on this topic. Miscarriage isn't something that happens to other people – it can hit any of us. And let's face it, talking about it openly is like breaking some unspoken rule. But why? It's about time we change that narrative and start discussing the real, raw details of miscarriage.

My Journey Through Pregnancy Loss

Positive pregnancy test, that surreal moment when you realise you're about to bring another tiny human into the world. We were over the moon with happiness and excitement, envisioning our firstborn stepping into the role of a big brother, and gaining a lifelong buddy along the way.

But life, with its unpredictable turns, took us down a different path just a week later. The cloud of joy became stormy, and I began spotting. It was subtle, just a hint when I wiped myself on the toilet. Hoping for reassurance, I called my doctor, but life doesn't always give you the hand you want. "It might be implantation bleeding," she said. If it stopped by the next day, we'd schedule an ultrasound to check on the baby. If it intensified, it meant a spontaneous miscarriage. The uncertainty hung in the air. Was this the start of our beautiful story or the end before it even began?

As you might have guessed, it intensified. Not just the physical bleeding and cramps but also an emotional emptiness, a deep sadness, and a desperate feeling of helplessness. The guilt, though irrational, nagged at me, questioning if I missed a prenatal vitamin or lifted something heavy – why did my body fail our baby? A checklist of what-ifs that couldn't change the outcome.

I found myself blaming myself for being too fat, convinced that perhaps I wasn't providing a healthy and safe place for our baby to grow. In an attempt to counter this self-blame, I tried to be rational, reminding myself that there are many women with different body types, including those with a bit more weight, who have healthy and thriving babies.

Some might say, "It doesn't count; it was too early. Be grateful for the healthy boy you already have." These comments, well-intentioned or not, only fuel frustration. Every stage of pregnancy matters, and it was our baby. It doesn't matter when a miscarriage happens; it's a loss, and allowing oneself to grieve is not just valid but necessary.

I admit, for us, it might have been slightly "easier" to navigate the early pregnancy loss than the unimaginable pain of a later miscarriage. In those early weeks, we hadn't even seen our little one on an ultrasound or heard its heartbeat, making the reality harder to grasp. Additionally, the fact that the line on the pregnancy test wasn't darkening as rapidly as it did with our first child served as an early warning sign, casting a shadow of concern from the very beginning. The anxiety was real; I found myself taking pregnancy tests almost every three hours, desperately hoping to witness a reassuring deepening of the line.

In times like these, I find comfort in rationalising, gathering every fact I can grasp, and trying to understand the intricacies of what happened. It's my way of providing myself with a rational explanation, a reassurance that it wasn't my fault and that I did everything within my power. As someone who thrives on having a plan and having control of everything, I not only searched for reasons but also sought answers about what comes next. In the chapters ahead, I'll share the facts that became my guiding lights, the pieces of the puzzle I needed to comprehend my situation and find a path through it. Perhaps you, too, are going through a similar path, seeking more information, and more answers. I hope that these insights will offer a companion in your journey, a source of understanding and strength as we navigate the challenges of pregnancy loss together.

Essential facts about miscarriage

* I am not a health advisor, and the information provided below is either quoted from reputable sources such as the National Childbirth Trust and Miscarriage Association or based on my personal experience. Always consult with a healthcare professional for personalized advice.

A miscarriage is recognised as the loss of a pregnancy within the first 23 weeks. Early miscarriages occur in the initial 12 weeks, while late miscarriages happen between 12 and 24 weeks. A key indicator is vaginal bleeding, often accompanied by cramping and lower abdominal pain. However, it's crucial to note that light vaginal bleeding during the first trimester does not always signal a miscarriage.

Is implantation bleeding common in early pregnancy? Yes, it is. Implantation bleeding is defined as a small amount of light spotting or bleeding that usually occurs about 10 to 14 days after conception. It's a normal part of early pregnancy and is thought to happen when the fertilised egg attaches to the lining of the uterus. Not everyone experiences implantation bleeding, and some may not even notice it.

When I started bleeding, I found myself delving into the depths of the internet, Googling pictures of what implantation bleeding looks like. Weird, right? It became a way to reassure myself that it could be the same as me and that there was still hope. I scoured through stories of women who, in moments of panic, ended up in the hospital only to discover it was a ruptured cyst, and their baby was perfectly fine. I even hit up TikTok, hoping for positive stories, but real life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.

Identifying the exact cause of a miscarriage is often challenging, but it's important to understand that the majority are not linked to anything the individual has done. Abnormal chromosomes in the baby are thought to be a leading cause. Most miscarriages are isolated events, and many individuals go on to have successful pregnancies in the future.

The main causes of miscarriage are thought to be:

• Genetic: This is when the baby doesn’t develop normally right from the start and cannot survive.  This is the cause of more than half of all early miscarriages.

• Hormonal: Women with very irregular periods may find it harder to get pregnant; and when they do, are more likely to miscarry.

• Blood-clotting problems: Problems in the blood vessels that supply the placenta can lead to miscarriage, especially if the blood clots more than it should.

• Infection: Minor infections like coughs and colds are not harmful.  But very high fevers and some illnesses or infections, such as German measles, may cause miscarriage.

• Anatomical: There are three main anatomical causes of miscarriage:

• If the cervix (the bottom of the uterus) is weak, it may start to open as the uterus becomes heavier in later pregnancy and this can cause a miscarriage.

• If the uterus has an irregular shape, there may not be enough room for the baby to grow.

• Large fibroids (harmless growths in the uterus) may cause miscarriage in later pregnancy.

While the majority of miscarriages cannot be prevented, there are steps you can take to minimise the risk. Avoiding smoking, alcohol, and drug use during pregnancy is crucial. Maintaining a healthy weight before pregnancy, adopting a nutritious diet, and reducing infection risk also contribute to a healthier pregnancy.

For more comprehensive information and support, consider visiting the Miscarriage Association website. Their resources can offer valuable insights and assistance for those navigating the complexities of miscarriage.

I'm guessing chemical pregnancy in my case

There are numerous reasons and medical terms that explain why pregnancy loss happens. If you're looking to delve deeper into this, especially if you were further along in pregnancy and these reasons don't seem to align with your situation, I highly recommend checking out the Miscarriage Association website. In my case, given that my pregnancy ended quite early, it's possible it was a chemical pregnancy.

A chemical pregnancy is a very early pregnancy loss which usually happens just after the embryo implants (before or around 5 weeks). As it happens at such an early stage, you may not have any pregnancy symptoms apart from your positive test and it would be too early to be able to see anything on a scan. Some women may not even realise that they have experienced a chemical pregnancy as they might not have taken a test or have missed their period.

Blighted ovum, also known as an anembryonic pregnancy, occurs in the first trimester. Again, this often happens before you’re even aware you’re pregnant. A blighted ovum is when your fertilised egg attaches to the wall of your uterus but doesn’t develop into an embryo.

You might feel pregnant. However, the doctor performing your ultrasound will see an empty gestational sac and sadly won’t be able to pick up a heartbeat.

I chose to stay home and let nature do her thing

I didn't go to the hospital at all, as I was told it wasn't necessary. I allowed nature to take its course, and when the bleeding intensified, I simply faced the reality that we lost this little one. Following my gynecologist's advice, I took a pregnancy test a few days later, around the fifth day, and there was no sign of a line. I suppose, in my case, the pregnancy test turned negative quite quickly because the line was very faint from the beginning and darkened very slowly.

If an ultrasound scan shows that your pregnancy has ended but the process of miscarriage hasn’t started or completed, you will usually offered a choice about how to manage the situation:

• Natural management (also called expectant or conservative management): letting nature take its course

• Medical management: using medication to begin or speed up the process of miscarriage

• Surgical management (also called SMM): an operation to remove the pregnancy

If you choose to have medical or surgical management, you may be asked to wait for a week or more for a second scan to make sure the pregnancy has ended before treatment begins.

Unless you need emergency treatment, you should usually be able to choose what treatment to have and be given information to help you decide between them. 

For more comprehensive information and support, consider visiting the Miscarriage Association website. Their resources can offer valuable insights and assistance for those navigating the complexities of miscarriage.

Questions I googled

When can I have a scan?

Why do I have to wait for a scan? The best time to have a scan is from about 7 weeks’ gestation when it should be possible to see the baby’s heartbeat. But it can be hard to detect a heartbeat in early pregnancy and it can be hard to know whether the baby has died or not developed at all, or whether it is simply smaller than expected but still developing.

When will I get my period?

In most cases, between 4 and six weeks after your loss, though this can vary. That first period may be heavier and last longer than usual.

When can we try again?

It’s best to avoid having sex until any bleeding has stopped, to reduce the risk of infection.  Once bleeding has stopped, you can try again whenever you and your partner feel ready – although the advice on timing might be different after second trimester loss (late miscarriage), ectopic or molar pregnancy. If you wait until after your first period it can make it easier to date another pregnancy, but it won’t make any difference to the risk of miscarrying again.

How likely is it to get pregnant with twins after a miscarriage?

Some people in online forums discuss the link between hyperovulation after miscarriage and an increased chance of having twins or baby triplets, but so far, there isn't scientific research to support this.

Coping with Loss: Emotional Healing

Experiencing a miscarriage is an emotional journey, and finding ways to navigate it gently is so important. Here are some heartfelt suggestions from one mom to another:

• Let Those Tears Flow: No matter when it happens, a miscarriage is a loss. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry if you need to; it's okay. Holding back those emotions won't make it any easier.

• Wrap Yourself in Care: Treat yourself as you would a dear friend. Embrace moments of self-care—whether it's snuggling up with a comforting book, applying a soothing facemask, or strolling through nature. Taking care of yourself is a gentle step on the path to healing after a miscarriage.

• No Place for Self-Blame: Resist the urge to blame yourself. Miscarriages are often beyond our control. Be gentle to yourself, recognizing that you did everything within your power.

• Seek Support: Don't navigate this journey alone. Find someone supportive—a friend, partner, or family member—whom you can open up to. Sometimes, just having someone willing to listen can make a world of difference.

• Distraction: Dive into things that bring a smile to your face—whether it's getting lost in a hobby you adore, or just soaking up the sweetness of parenting, if you already have a child (like I did with our toddler). These little distractions are like rest for your soul, giving you a chance to catch your breath and slowly find your way back to a sense of peace.

• It's Okay to Seek Pro Help: If the emotional weight feels overwhelming, reaching out to a professional is a valid choice. A therapist can offer guidance and support tailored to your unique emotional needs.

In the early days after the miscarriage, my survival strategy was a deep dive into information. I wanted to know everything, so I dove into every corner of the internet, soaking up as much relevant stuff as I could find. It wasn't just about knowledge; it was about feeling like I had a grip on what comes next and, most importantly, convincing myself it wasn't my fault. My partner played a massive role in this phase—just talking, and sharing those emotions. Seriously, having someone who not only listens but also jumps in with a big ol' reminder that it wasn't on me, was great. But hey, let's not forget about the magical power of focusing on now. Miscarrying a week before our son's first birthday party meant I had a full hand of organisation and preparation to keep my mind busy. It was like hitting the reset button, finding comfort in the simplicity of the present.

In sharing my intimate journey through miscarriage, my aim is twofold: to find comfort in understanding and sharing my story and to break the silence surrounding this often unspoken experience. A positive pregnancy test, swiftly followed by the heart-breaking reality of pregnancy loss. I'm not an expert, just someone who's been there. Whether you're looking for facts, personal experiences, or some heartfelt advice, my hope is that this shared journey brings understanding and strength to those going through similar struggles. Miscarriage is a shared reality; let's talk about it openly and support each other.